Measurement
low tide
tape measure
Today I helped Monte as he set the stage for some sort of water system improvement involving a new valve and a pipe connecting one tank high on the hillside to another tank lower down. My job was to hold tightly to a long yellow measuring tape until it was pulled taut, then run downhill to give my end to him and stand still again while he walked further. It was very satisfying work, easily understood.
I thought about measurement as I stood there, mostly about the fact that in interpersonal relations it's often best forgone. I thought about love too and how it only appears of its own volition and in its own way, never because one measures and expects reciprocity. I thought about how much I don't want to go through life being the person holding the measuring tape. I learned a lot of stuff like this in 2013.
It wasn't an easy year.
But when I said as much, Monte disagreed, offering a different view of the yardsticks for assessment of a year:
"No one we love died, neither of us got any bad health news, and we're still financially solvent. I'd call that a good year."
s.a.
tidepools
He's right, of course. But it seems to me I spent a lot of time in 2013 dealing with depressing issues and trying to stay afloat. Everything seemed so precarious sometimes, especially me.And as this year begins, I am wondering: is it possible to change? Can I still become someone different, learn something new and real, clear out my cluttered mind, make a peaceful space in my heart and lean back into it? That's all I want. But maybe I should also stop trying so hard to measure up to some imagined expectations in my head.Having finished our task, we climbed the hill straight up from our house, then walked down Santa Anita Canyon, along a paved road, across the railroad tracks, and to a beach transformed by a minus tide. We saw friends, exchanged good wishes, sat for a while in the sun.In this little island of here and now there was only warmth and life and golden light, and I wasn't thinking about endings or beginnings. All I felt was an immeasurable sense of gratitude, wonder, and well being.