On Being 60-something: A Few Things I Think I've Learned

I hesitate to call it wisdom. Maybe these are just reminders to myself, twenty-five little lessons accrued over time. I assure you I don't think of myself as a sage. You can see, as a matter of fact, that the very first observation I've listed here acknowledges that uncertainty and bafflement continue, and others are perhaps no more than musings or opinion. In any case, I present them here with humility and in no particular order. I assume the list will grow:

1. Do not expect resolution. Questions continue and ambiguity persists. Get used to it. And the old ghosts never go away; you might as well make a space for them--just don't let 'em take over.

2. Everyone is going through something hard. Err on the side of kindness.

3. But it's okay to have boundaries. (This is new to me.)

4. If you can't seem to get going on your real work, clear your desk. Or get up and do the laundry. Or sort out your closet and give lots of things away. Or pull a few weeds.

5. There is no greater skill than compromise, and even the greatest romances and adventures ultimately distill into this.

6. But there is a fundamental part of your being that is sacrosanct. As William Stafford said, "There is a thread you follow...you never let go of the thread." Recognize it. You cannot thrive in a situation that requires you to let go of your thread.

7. There is no substitute for a handwritten letter, even if it's just a short note, the kind with a stamp and a postmark that arrives in the mail.

8. To facilitate the above, have at least one good pen that you like the feel of. Know where it is.

9. Embrace technology. Maintain a healthy degree of informed skepticism, but try to stay up to date and figure out how to make it work for you. To be a luddite is to become irrelevant. Or even more irrelevant than you already are.

10. Going outside for a walk almost always makes you feel better. Many advocate sitting still, but I find mobility to be the best therapy. If you're lucky enough to still have the capability, get moving.

11. Which reminds me: in the ongoing quest for shoes that are cute as well as comfortable, comfortable always trumps cute. Always.

12. Sometimes you already know the answer. Listen for it. And don't be afraid.

13. Regret is poison, so spit it out and move on, which I realize isn't easy. But note that regret is most often the result of a loving thing not done. Learn from mistakes. Apply the learning. Grow.

14. Forgive yourself. You too are worthy of compassion.1

5. Inhabit your life fully. Don't dilute your experience by holding back and second-guessing your choices. Even if you are uncertain, you are more likely to figure things out by being present. Go through the motions until the real thing kicks in.

16. A huge part of happiness is simply giving yourself permission to be happy. (It's far too easy to succumb to sadness; whistling in the dark is a perfectly valid strategy.

)17. It is impossible to underestimate the degree to which insufficient sleep or exercise negatively affects your outlook.

18. Bring pencil and paper. Those luminous fragments that occur to you while you're outside walking or riding your bike will otherwise evaporate.

19. Don't waste too much effort giving advice to young people. They can never fully understand you. By the very nature of their youth, they have a fundamentally different sense of time and cannot possibly grasp how swiftly everything passes, or the various ramifications of this fact. And the idea that you were going to have some ongoing input into the life of your adult son or daughter? Ha.

20. Rant to your girlfriends, not your husband. Your girlfriends will commiserate. Your husband will think he has to fix it. (And every good friend you have is a sip of well-being.)

21. Decisions based largely on fear or lack of faith in yourself don't turn out well. Remember that the best things you've ever done were often preceded by a chorus of disapproval and dire warnings, and the things you're proudest of achieving were never the easiest. But don't compare yourself to others, and don't explain or apologize for not being more than you are. Sometimes simply surviving and passing as normal is a remarkable accomplishment.

22. Prospects really did narrow as you aged. The world no longer seems a vast array of possibilities from which to choose, and you might as well admit that many of your long-held hopes and ambitions have ceased to be realistic. Well, alternative paths would have been different, not better--remember that--and some of the old mythologies you've had to relinquish were just that: mythologies. It's late. Lighten up. There is likely some truth to those rumors of mortality.

23. Forget about the lines and furrows in the forehead. Anyone who doesn't have these is either younger than you or spent a lot of money on repairs. If you have that kind of money, go on a trip. You'd rather have an experience than be an experience...right?

24. Life is astonishing and implausible. This very moment is absurdly unlikely. Things we cannot begin to imagine are yet to happen, and some of them will be good.

25. If you love someone, please, oh please, let them know.